Saturday, September 12, 2009

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 3


Found in Mark 11:13-14

This is a hard lesson for some. When do we obey? When do we think for ourselves? Well the bible lays this out very carefully in more than a few places if we are careful enough to see it. One such place is in a story from the pages of Mark, about Jesus and a walking trip to a far away temple in the town of Bethany.

So in this recounting of a clearly true event, we have Jesus walking all the way from Bethany, so understandably the messiah is a tad hungry. Having no water or loaves of bread to fashion into a feast he decides to look around.
he thought, "They're freakin awesome!" and he set about to find a tree to bear him lunch. When the holiest of holies and most pious messiah found this tree he approached it, giddy that soon he should ease his craving for figgy goodness. He approached this tree and his stomach fell when he spied the shock of all shocks.
It had no fruit!!!

Just because it's out of fig season, I have to stand here figless? I am the friggin son of GOD!" he said to the tree "NOW I am pissed. For the crime of not having fruit on you when it is convenient for me, regardless of the season, I have half a mind to use my magic to make you unable to give figs to ANYONE."

the tree remained figless

"You think I can't do it? I did it before. Ask the fig tree that annoyed me thusly in matthew 21:19!"

The fig tree stood motionless, almost defiant at Jesus words,
and still without figs.

"You force my hand disobediant fig tree."Jesus' magic swelled in his belly (or wherever magic swells when it is about to be used) and said
"No one will eat of your branches now and forever, I say this in my name!"
It was done.
The terrible tree was reduced to its roots, having learned its lesson. Jesus, still annoyed and more than a bit cranky from hunger and his complete lack of figgy satisfaction, thought that a bit of smiting might help to cheer him up. Distracted with the new direction that his day was about to take, he proceeded to violently take out his figless frustrations on the vendors who set up shop in his temple for completely ignoring the "no vendors" sign. With a new found vigour he went to work flipping tables, destroying wares, whipping people and yelling about the sign everyone ignored but through it all one thought resonated in his mind;

"Stupid fig tree"

Moral- Never forget that we are here only to serve every irrational whim and pleasure, never forget or he will smite you!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 2


Communication is the key to any relationship

Found in: Numbers 22:28-30

In a society filled with new age solutions to everything from depression to marital bliss, we find that the bible once again has the answers. Turn to the old ways of mutual communication and respect. No more need for birthing sessions, for psycho analysis, for therapy and no more need for divorce. Just follow the example of the donkey in the story of Balaam.

One day Balaam (a business man just minding his business) was walking down a path with his donkey and two man servants on his way to the princes house, when one of those bully angels appeared, sword drawn, blocking his path. The donkey saw this and, as donkeys are logical creatures, ran away to save his master. Balaam wasn’t afraid of one little bully angel, so he was furious that the donkey had made him look like a wuss in front of his friends and beat that ass. "Now taketh me back to the path, jerk donkey!" he commanded. When they returned to the path, the bully angel was gone so they continued until the walls of a vineyard made the path narrow. Much to their dismay, blocking the path was the bully angel! Balaam wasn't going to take this from anyone, but the donkey had other plans. He wasn't going to stand here while his beloved master, the man who so kindly feeds him, allows him to carry all his stuff and who lets him stay tied up in the front of his house, got beat up by this bully. So he tried to run again. The donkey however is an animal of very poor foresight, so when he tried to run in the narrow pathway he crushed his masters foot against the wall. Balaam was furious now. Not only did the donkey make him look like a wuss (twice!) for trying to running away, but now he jammed his foot? There had to be a reckoning. He took his whip and began to beat donkey again. "Now get up and let’s face this bully, you jerk" Said Balaam. The donkey, seeing that his options were limited by space and the fury of his usually very reasonable master, fell to the ground cowering. "THAT IS IT!!!" sayeth Balaal. "The whip ist too good for thou, now feeleth the terrible sting of my staff!!!"
Now the donkey had taken quite enough of this abuse. After all, he was only looking out for his master. "What’s up?" Said the donkey "Why do you keep beating me? What did I ever do to you?"
Thinking nothing of the talking Donkey, Balaal quickly replied "Because you are a jerk and jerks deserve beatings. At least jerks who don't serveth me well as non jerk donkeys would. I wish that I had a sword, because I HATE jerk donkeys and I would choppeth you into many bits. THAT would teach you a lesson."
The donkey considered these words, thought about swearing or getting into a braying match but decided that talking things through might better enable a healthy relationship, especially with the bully angel still waiting to hand out his bullying. "Aren't I your donkey? Don't I let you ride me and stuff? Don't I carry your things and eat your garbage? Have I ever beaten you, when you make ME angry?" he reasoned.
Balaal was not an unreasonable man. He thought hard about what the jerk donkey had said. "No, it is true. You never beat me. Maybe you aren't a jerk donkey after all"

The bully angel saw this reconciliation and softened. "If your donkey had not turned from the path, I would have killed you. Seeing how you two made up has made me reconsider my killing you. Now that you two have made up, I will give you my mercy, mercy in the form of going to the princes house and saying nothing of this but what I let you say." He went to the princes, they had a great time sacrificing animals together (no jerk donkeys though) and people were so impressed with him not saying anything about what him being such an ass to his ass (which they had no idea about in the first place) that Balaal got lots of presents, and went to see all the grooviest things in Baal.
And the donkey? He was happy to carry all those presents and with no more beatings.

Moral; If you promise to keep your mouth shut about the bad things you do, rewards will come your way.
Remember that the word of god comes from the most unlikely of places and that sometimes he might even speak out his ass.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Bizarre Bible Lessons-Part 1 Genetics

A lesson in genetics

Found in: Genesis 30:37-39

As we all know, the bible is divinely inspired and, with this lesson so clearly stated, I am not sure why we don't look to it more often for scientific answers and advice in search for knowledge. Could there be any more pure and precise source of knowledge than the magic man who started it all? (For those of you waiting for an answer, the answer is obviously “no, there can’t be. God MADE science so he knows all about that sciency stuff)
For decades upon decades there have been people who breed animals and use genetic artificial selection to their own benefit in the manipulating animal traits. Colour, size, aggressiveness, protectiveness, and of course tastiness, are all desirable traits which people seek in their particular "flock". Animal husbandry has become quite a science which costs millions of dollars and thousands of man hours across the world to achieve the proper effect for new breeds. People could save themselves a LOT of time if they would just read the bible.

No need for research, it is all in there. Let’s take a look at one such example;

This is the story of Jacob and his father in law’s (Laban’s) beloved sheep. Not the boring plain ones, the other ones and the only ones that matter, the striped ones. Basically, Jacob has served Laban well these many years, making him rich by the tending of his sheep and other farmy animals, while Laban gets all the money from his efforts and cheats him from his reward. After many years, and an attempt to flee he figures it is time to face up to Laban and to demand what is his so that he may have a home of his own to support his enormous blended family (from 3 different women (his wife and two concubines). BUT it is not as bad as it sounds because the biblical science of genetics says that because his wife was the one giving the concubines to him, that it was really her who bore them all. Makes perfect sense, read a book!) He made Laban rich so he figures, its “Jacobs time” and time for Laban to give him his cut. He has a clever plan to make money for himself, and asks for nothing but the opportunity to breed Laban’s sheep once more. Jacob sayeth unto Laban "Separateth all the coloured animals (you know, the VALUABLE ones) and leave the plain to me. I will use the wondrous and complex power of genetics and animal husbandry to make a new flock for myself" Laban thought "What the hecketh, he hath madeth me volumes of greenback in his time of servitude. I will let him runneth with his idea"
Jacob was cunning and needed no science, he needed no research, nor to select the animals with the most desirable traits. He needed only sticks and a water trough. His plan was genius in its simplicity. He merely stripped the sticks of bark in a patterned manner so that they appeared to be striped just like the animals he desired, and placed them in the water troughs. Clearly this was so that when the animals went for a drink and caught an eyeful of these wondrous sticks, they would hear Barry White in their heads, get amorous with the ever willing female ewes (known across the animal kingdom as the floozies of the farm) and, with striped sticks in sight, conceive striped offspring. GENIUS!
If it is obvious to you that placing sticks half stripped of bark in a water trough and hoping that the animals would copulate in front of them, placing striped images in their minds during copulation would produce striped progeny. Then consider yourself a genius too, because that is exactly what happened.
Jacob takes the first "batch" of genetically enhanced animals, and allows Laban to continue to use this method to make himself even richer and to gain "many flocks, maid servants and men servants, camels and asses." I mean who doesn't like asses and man servants? umm......

Moral of the story?
The bible is true, and scientists are closed mined to spend all that time on research and development instead of just going to the obvious source of truth OR don’t let the laws of nature and logic keep you from realizing your dreams!