Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Endangered Species Alert- Christians?
Everyone has heard (and by “everyone” I mean “me”, but I have heard it a LOT) of the meme popularized by Ray Comfort’s book “God doesn’t Believe in Atheists”, that atheists don’t exist. Well I was reading the bible to find proof of this (because that is where Christians tell me that completely substantiated proof of everything can be found), and have discovered a troubling fact.
CHRISTIANS may not exist!
(or if they do, they should pay an IMMEDIATE visit to James Randi for their million dollars in prize money. But that is another story.)
I am not attempting trickery, nor a play on words, but a definition of what a “Christian” by Christ himself.
I figure he is the only dude that should be deciding who they are and how we can recognize them. Christians themselves very often say, usually in response to some extremist doing/killing/masturbating/abusing/ranting/taking money/or saying something hateful about something in the same of god.
“That person obviously wasn’t a true Christian.”
“No true Christian would do that”.
Sounds like pretty certain knowledge of the standard for membership into this exclusive club called Christianity. This sort of rejection of who is and who isn’t a Christian is bandied about pretty liberally (Christians, I apologize in advance for the use of the word liberal in reference to you) to exclude all those who don’t act according to what each person figures that a “Christian” really is.
So in the spirit of “WWJD” I decided to find out how to really tell who is, and who isn’t a Christian. To know this, we have to go to the only place where real knowledge exists, the club rulebook itself;
After a lot of “hence”s, and “thereto for”s, and reading all about how this one begat that one begat another one, I finally found that definition in the Gospel of Mark (16:17-18).
This is where Mark (if that IS, in fact, his real name) details exactly what Jesus said would be the mark of all Christians.
"These signs will accompany those who have believed: In My name they will cast out demons, they will speak with new tongues; they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover."
Right from the holy horses mouth!
I would say that under this official definition of a Christian, not only are they be exceedingly rare in this day and age, but they would have been the most super cool and powerful men of their time!
This is the super hero of back in the day. Maybe every Christian didn't have super strength giving hair (Samson) but they didn’t all have an overzealous hair stylist either.
What they did all have were some pretty cool, and easily recognizable abilities.
Demons fear even their slightest word.
Snakes hide their fangs and save their venom at the sight of them.
They drink poison for breakfast instead of the pansy apple juice of TODAY’S “Christians”,
And with a spank of their ultra cool hands amputees grow legs and the blind grow new eyes!
Not everyone got the extra powers like Samson and Elisha, but since there is no explanation for that, we are forced to assume that they were the team leaders.
That is totally kickass.
So here you have it. A clear definition of that “true Christian” that we hear so much about.
(Sounds a lot like Wolverine. You go Christians!)
I mean obviously real Christians must all be able to do this. Jesus said so. So why don’t we ever see this anymore?
Clearly there are only two solutions to this dilemma.
Either they died off from some unknown disease and no longer exist (but obviously not from snake bites or poisons, because as we know true Christians are immune to such weak poisons. It must be some super intelligent ultra hyper mega toxin that kills them (which just appeared out of nowhere because it obviously did NOT evolve from something else)
they are in hiding, and they just don’t want to show us all the groovy superpowers that Jesus said they have.
Like secret identities used to protect their families from the baby eating atheists and from Fox news.
So if you are out there "true Christians",
If the non-evolved super intelligent ultra hyper mega toxin did NOT get you,
Please know that THIS atheist is intrigued by the impossible nature of your faith-power
And that I wonder…..
Can I have your autograph?
God Doesn’t Believe in Atheists, by Ray Comfort (the Banana Man) http://www.amazon.com/God-Doesnt-Believe-Atheists-Atheist/dp/0882709224
James Randi Educational Foundation- Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge