Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Endangered Species Alert- Christians?

Everyone has heard (and by “everyone” I mean “me”, but I have heard it a LOT) of the meme popularized by Ray Comfort’s book “God doesn’t Believe in Atheists”, that atheists don’t exist. Well I was reading the bible to find proof of this (because that is where Christians tell me that completely substantiated proof of everything can be found), and have discovered a troubling fact.

CHRISTIANS may not exist!

(or if they do, they should pay an IMMEDIATE visit to James Randi for their million dollars in prize money. But that is another story.)

I am not attempting trickery, nor a play on words, but a definition of what a “Christian” by Christ himself.

I figure he is the only dude that should be deciding who they are and how we can recognize them. Christians themselves very often say, usually in response to some extremist doing/killing/masturbating/abusing/ranting/taking money/or saying something hateful about something in the same of god.

“That person obviously wasn’t a true Christian.”
“No true Christian would do that”.

Sounds like pretty certain knowledge of the standard for membership into this exclusive club called Christianity. This sort of rejection of who is and who isn’t a Christian is bandied about pretty liberally (Christians, I apologize in advance for the use of the word liberal in reference to you) to exclude all those who don’t act according to what each person figures that a “Christian” really is.

So in the spirit of “WWJD” I decided to find out how to really tell who is, and who isn’t a Christian. To know this, we have to go to the only place where real knowledge exists, the club rulebook itself;

The Bible.

After a lot of “hence”s, and “thereto for”s, and reading all about how this one begat that one begat another one, I finally found that definition in the Gospel of Mark (16:17-18).

This is where Mark (if that IS, in fact, his real name) details exactly what Jesus said would be the mark of all Christians.

He says;

"These signs will accompany those who have believed: In My name they will cast out demons, they will speak with new tongues; they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover."

Right from the holy horses mouth!

I would say that under this official definition of a Christian, not only are they be exceedingly rare in this day and age, but they would have been the most super cool and powerful men of their time!

This is the super hero of back in the day. Maybe every Christian didn't have super strength giving hair (Samson) but they didn’t all have an overzealous hair stylist either.

What they did all have were some pretty cool, and easily recognizable abilities.

Demons fear even their slightest word.
Snakes hide their fangs and save their venom at the sight of them.
They drink poison for breakfast instead of the pansy apple juice of TODAY’S “Christians”,
And with a spank of their ultra cool hands amputees grow legs and the blind grow new eyes!
Not everyone got the extra powers like Samson and Elisha, but since there is no explanation for that, we are forced to assume that they were the team leaders.


That is totally kickass.

So here you have it. A clear definition of that “true Christian” that we hear so much about.

(Sounds a lot like Wolverine. You go Christians!)

I mean obviously real Christians must all be able to do this. Jesus said so. So why don’t we ever see this anymore?

Clearly there are only two solutions to this dilemma.

Either they died off from some unknown disease and no longer exist (but obviously not from snake bites or poisons, because as we know true Christians are immune to such weak poisons. It must be some super intelligent ultra hyper mega toxin that kills them (which just appeared out of nowhere because it obviously did NOT evolve from something else)
they are in hiding, and they just don’t want to show us all the groovy superpowers that Jesus said they have.

Like secret identities used to protect their families from the baby eating atheists and from Fox news.

So if you are out there "true Christians",

If the non-evolved super intelligent ultra hyper mega toxin did NOT get you,

Please know that THIS atheist is intrigued by the impossible nature of your faith-power

And that I wonder…..

Can I have your autograph?

God Doesn’t Believe in Atheists, by Ray Comfort (the Banana Man)

James Randi Educational Foundation- Million Dollar Paranormal Challenge

Mark (16:17-18);&version=NASB


  1. This may be a problem to the Baptist, but not to the Pentecostals. They believe that these things happen all the time, and tell stories of it regularly. The Baptist, on the other hand, will tell you that Jesus took those powers away because the gospel is already spreading, so they aren't needed. While I was a Christian, I wondered about this myself, and I took the Baptist explanation. Funny how when you're a Christian, you have to put a awful a lot of words in God's mouth.

    Loved the post.

  2. The problem with things happening all the time, is that they don't happen all the time. lol

    The vast majority of people die from poisons that should kill them, and no one ever has regrown a limb.

    The percentage of people who recover from those things are exactly as you would expect them to be, but they forget the thousands that die just to make an example of the one who didn't.

    And that justifies their faith.


  3. Great post. And we all know that the only true weakness to the real Christians is crucifixion..

  4. You have yourself a great blog here.

    Keep it up, hopefully one day world belog to critical thinkers.

    On a second thought, that was wishful thinking but what can we do, only dream and work for better world.

  5. A small few Pentecostal churches in Appalachia, actually practice that crazy stuff. The gibberish of speaking in tongues, handling snakes and drinking strychnine.

    Would be a shame if somebody informed them that the verses Mark 16:9-20 were added at least 300 years after the unknown author wrote it.

  6. Thank you very much Newfie! That is a very interesting tidbit of information!

  7. Great blog! I actually laughed out loud reading it