Friday, July 22, 2011

Top 5 WWJD Answers

The Bible Doesn't Say that it DIDN'T happen...

What Would Jesus Do?
We see this age old question posed in the form of bumper stickers, posters, jewelry and even in the form of tattoos

What would he do?  He would get a tattoo that can only be read when giving you the finger is what he'd do!
Would he hate all the same people that we do?
Would he vote for the same Tea Parties that we do?
Would he deny all the same science that we do?

It is hard to say.

In order to answer these questions, and to ensure that we are looking down our noses at the right people,

Pffft, Stupid Richard Dawkins

we need to go to the source. 

No, not Ken Hovind. 

He just thinks that Jesus wouldn't pay taxes

Or Ray Comfort 

Pretty sure that this is him
I mean the Bible.

I have compiled a short list of 10 things that we can be SURE Jesus would do, as detailed by his clearly accurate biography, the New Testament.

Top 5 Things that Jesus Would Do.

5.  He would be a bit irrational about his fruit.  Specifically Figs.  God hates Figs and that hatred has been passed on to the son in this case.  He has been seen yelling at them, cursing them to never bear fruit again, comparing them to his vile enemies and throwing tantrums for them being out of season when he is hungry.  So don't expect him to behave in the fruits and vegetable section of the grocery store.  This brings us to the next thing that Jesus would do....

4.    He would kick some vendor ass!  If his casting out of the money lenders taught us anything (and we like to think it has), it is that Jesus hates sidewalk sales and that he was probably the worlds first case of 'roid rage.  (Probably ate some out of season figs)  This is where Jesus completely flipped his wig, whipping vendors for their money morals, overturning tables and throwing their money all over the place.  No word if his roid rage extends to garage sales or church bake sales.

You're next!
3.     Jesus would take care of all the parental discipline problems of the world.  How you ask?  What amazing technique would he reveal in order to mentor our children to behave as we wish them to? 


Mind crippling, life threatening fear.

He would threaten them with death.  That would sort them out.  Well, maybe not initially, but once Jesus killed a few of our childrens' sassy friends and fear of defiance becomes overwhelming, I imagine that obedience follows shortly thereafter.

2.     Jesus wouldn't wash his hands before supper.  He didn't believe in bacteria, or dirt or cooties coming from dirty hands.  All he believed could make you sick was your actions (largly comprised of actions relating to your genitalia).  I think that it is a layover from all the trouble he got into from his dad for hanging out with prostitutes.

We can only assume that these holes are the result of his dirty, infected hands

1.     What would he use these dirty smelly hands for?  Beating slaves.  I know, I know "There is no more slavery" you say.  And I agree!  But Michelle Bachman and many Republicans believe that african american families were better off during the slave years, and Adrian Peterson thinks that his multi million dollar paycheck is only a shackle for the slavery that is the NFL so maybe slavery DOES exist in the modern world.  I would think that Jesus would DEFINITELY compare gay marriage to slavery, and a million dollar job? 

Definitely slavery.

Maybe he will decide that these are the people need the first beatings.  Could we be so lucky?

Bonus Answer!     He would secretly give the salvation finger to atheists and anyone else who doesn't believe in him.  If his parables have made any impact other than completely confusing people and making them misinterpret his every word, then Jesus didn't mean to do it.  He doesn't want to convert unbelievers, he doesn't even like us, but he DOES want to maintain his professional appearance and make it appear that he is trying to.  This is why Jesus invented parables.  To ensure that the terrible people (meaning people who don't have a Jesus fish on their car) don't mingle in heaven with his homies.  Believers will already know what his stories mean, leaving confused atheists and other religions out in the cold. 

Or, er, hot.

Ever wonder why Heaven is a gated community?  Just one more way to keep the riff raff out.

Where is your Muhammed NOW? (Shut the gate Peter)

Does all this not sound at all like the Jesus you knew? 

Don't worry, he'll be back with his zombie army to stab, burn, trample, and generally get all killy with us. 

You can ask him to clarify everything then. 


  1. You're the man for making this, i look up to you and respect you as a human being (sarcasm btw, something you suck donkey genitals at). This is honestly one of the worst attempts at being funny I've ever seen. You talk about "growing up" and "moving on" as a species, but do you honestly think this immature and vulgar ridicule of Jesus is the way to do it? There's one thing in not believing in a god, but just because you for some reason think you're better than him and his followers, you feel the need to go out of your way and condemn him through this blog and the pictures? Cutting to the chase: you're trying way to hard bro...and failing. May the Lord bless you and remove the veil of excuses you use to cover your eyes from him so that you can one day see the light and live by it...that would be a better use of your time and effort since no one reads this crap anyways :/

  2. It would seem that you are both dishonest and not understanding the situation. I DON'T BELIEVE IN JESUS! Which means it is nothing to me to ridicule such a ridiculous character of fiction. I say that you are dishonest because you are at first insulting and rude, and then you have the Christian pretense of "blessing" me. We both know that your real motivations are more revealed by your original comments than your latter "blessing". If your argument is to just come here and call me childish and tell me that I am a failure who makes excuses to cover my eyes from things that I see as harmful and mythical, then your argument is a weak one indeed. If you would like to engage in adult discourse (by which I mean detailing a REAL argument as to why what I have written is wrong, or that I am on the wrong path) then feel free to do so. I welcome it. As for your insults, and pretense at blessings out of one side of your mouth while nothing but judgment comes from the other side?

    Carry on representing your cause and your religion. You do it well. (as for no one reading this "crap", if you paid attention, I think that you would find that it has been read over one hundred and thirty thousand times. Not too bad for something "no one reads" eh? There are a lot more of us than you imagine)


  3. At least try to not be a hypocrite and actually live by what you say. You said that I was 'dishonest because I was insulting and rude' when every one of these pictures can be described as such. Naturally you should see that a child of God would be offended by your pictures (and I’m sure you know this). Why else would you post these offensive pictures but because you want attention by causing an uproar amongst believers. There's one thing to want an "age of equality" and for our species to “grow” etc. etc., but I see your genuine interest is to ridicule and offend believers of Christ JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T BELIEVE IN HIM. Believer or not, you know that you have no argument. Let’s go with your insistence that you don’t believe in Jesus: As a nonbeliever you should respect those who do believe. You said in your info that “in fact as a moral species” we need to what way has any of the material on your website been "moral"? People that don't believe in God shouldn't care that others do. But they still do for some reason, hmm. You want us as a species to stop believing. What say do you have in that?” None. You’re just one person and you can try to push what you BELIEVE onto others all you want, but you will make miniscule progress. It’s also funny that you think that everyone who reads the stuff on your website believes it. And that “there are a lot of more of us than you imagine”, yes I am aware of vast amount of sinners: we’ve all committed sins during our lives, it’s up to us to not put the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made (for our sake; for our sins to be forgiven) to shame and instead to accept it and accept the Lord in our lives.

    As to the 'judgement that comes out of my mouth' it is nothing compared to the day "we will all stand before the judgment seat of God" (Romans 14:10).
    And as to your humungous amount of viewers, may they not be led astray and instead be lead to the path of righteousness. Luke 23:34: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing" (Christ while being crucified and ridiculed by sinners)

  4. There is no hypocrisy here. I have not said anything rude or insulting to you. The pictures are put there with the intent to be funny for my target audience. ATHEISTS. If you are offended, then that is not my issue. No one has a right to not be offended. My genuine interest is to engage in conversation. Sorry your beleifs are not immune to critique nor ridicule. If something is ridiculous, then sometimes it gets ridiculed. The whole point is to demonstrate that the idea of a god, especially the god of the bible, is absurd and contradictory. As far as respecting beliefs, you are wrong. Beliefs are not due respect if they can't show that they are worthy of it. I respect people, but if beliefs can't stand up to even basic examination, then they don't deserve respect. The next thing you talk about it pushing my "beliefs" on people. Are you serious???? In a world where YOUR beliefs are pushed on all of us in every song, every TV show, billboards, most every book, at every sporting interview, in body art, and even when we sneeze I would say that a small percentage of people speaking out and saying "No" to those things is only fair. Come on now. Speaking out about things that are doing harm to the world and bringing light to the nonsense of religion is not pushing my beliefs. I don't care if you believe what I write. I just want to make the conversation a normal one and bring religion out from behind the curtain of immunity that it so unjustly enjoys. As far as your condescending verses from the bible, they are nonsensical to say to someone who sees that myths are no longer to be feared. Your judgment and the judgment of the bible are one and the same to me. Nonsense.

  5. It really frustrates me that atheists believe WE are pushing our beliefs on them. Our beliefs are pushed on you? What? Do you listen to music, do you watch TV? Do you see billboards? (All rhetorical questions btw). They do the OPPOSITE. I can't believe you even tried to make that point.
    A "small percentage" speak out?? Sorry to rip on your vision of athiests as underdog, revolutionary activists fighting an uphill battle for human good in a religious world that oppresses them, but left and right I see and hear people ripping on christianity, saying God is nonexistent, a "fairy", 'what about evolution?'; America is obviously becoming less God friendly -everyone flips out at a banner (that's been there for decades) with the word "God" at a highschool- and I'm pretty sure you know that.

  6. Amazing that you realy can't see religion pushed in politics, on TV, in song, in regular day to day language etc...

    How about abortion laws? How about Gay rights? How about sex shaming? How about prayer in schools? How about children DYING because of the lack of medical care? How about MILLIONS dying of Aids because the Pope lies about the issue? Religion being pushed in the world is a MAJOR issue and your crying about the minority finally speaking up smacks of entitlement.

    It smacks of a persecution complex.

    Oh poor 85% of the world.

    Sorry if I can't commiserate.

    As far as a banner having to be removed?


    It was NOT representative of the entire populace and as such had no place in a public forum at a public school. It having been there for decades is no different than saying that Rosa Parks shouldn't have been upset about her seating arrangement because that was the way it had always been.

    Come on now.

    It is not becoming less God friendly. It is one of the most evangelical nations on earth. Nothing is changing.

    Except that now, a small movement has arisen that will hold you to task for nonsense that you pass in public arena.

    No one is denying you the right to pray, to worship or to believe. We are just starting to speak up and say that your rights are not the only ones that matter.

    And I am pretty sure that YOU know that.

  7. "what about evolution?" what does that have to do with God? don't tell me that you are also a science denier?