Friday, July 22, 2011

Top 5 WWJD Answers

The Bible Doesn't Say that it DIDN'T happen...

What Would Jesus Do?
We see this age old question posed in the form of bumper stickers, posters, jewelry and even in the form of tattoos

What would he do?  He would get a tattoo that can only be read when giving you the finger is what he'd do!
Would he hate all the same people that we do?
Would he vote for the same Tea Parties that we do?
Would he deny all the same science that we do?

It is hard to say.

In order to answer these questions, and to ensure that we are looking down our noses at the right people,

Pffft, Stupid Richard Dawkins

we need to go to the source. 

No, not Ken Hovind. 

He just thinks that Jesus wouldn't pay taxes

Or Ray Comfort 

Pretty sure that this is him
I mean the Bible.

I have compiled a short list of 10 things that we can be SURE Jesus would do, as detailed by his clearly accurate biography, the New Testament.

Top 5 Things that Jesus Would Do.

5.  He would be a bit irrational about his fruit.  Specifically Figs.  God hates Figs and that hatred has been passed on to the son in this case.  He has been seen yelling at them, cursing them to never bear fruit again, comparing them to his vile enemies and throwing tantrums for them being out of season when he is hungry.  So don't expect him to behave in the fruits and vegetable section of the grocery store.  This brings us to the next thing that Jesus would do....

4.    He would kick some vendor ass!  If his casting out of the money lenders taught us anything (and we like to think it has), it is that Jesus hates sidewalk sales and that he was probably the worlds first case of 'roid rage.  (Probably ate some out of season figs)  This is where Jesus completely flipped his wig, whipping vendors for their money morals, overturning tables and throwing their money all over the place.  No word if his roid rage extends to garage sales or church bake sales.

You're next!
3.     Jesus would take care of all the parental discipline problems of the world.  How you ask?  What amazing technique would he reveal in order to mentor our children to behave as we wish them to? 


Mind crippling, life threatening fear.

He would threaten them with death.  That would sort them out.  Well, maybe not initially, but once Jesus killed a few of our childrens' sassy friends and fear of defiance becomes overwhelming, I imagine that obedience follows shortly thereafter.

2.     Jesus wouldn't wash his hands before supper.  He didn't believe in bacteria, or dirt or cooties coming from dirty hands.  All he believed could make you sick was your actions (largly comprised of actions relating to your genitalia).  I think that it is a layover from all the trouble he got into from his dad for hanging out with prostitutes.

We can only assume that these holes are the result of his dirty, infected hands

1.     What would he use these dirty smelly hands for?  Beating slaves.  I know, I know "There is no more slavery" you say.  And I agree!  But Michelle Bachman and many Republicans believe that african american families were better off during the slave years, and Adrian Peterson thinks that his multi million dollar paycheck is only a shackle for the slavery that is the NFL so maybe slavery DOES exist in the modern world.  I would think that Jesus would DEFINITELY compare gay marriage to slavery, and a million dollar job? 

Definitely slavery.

Maybe he will decide that these are the people need the first beatings.  Could we be so lucky?

Bonus Answer!     He would secretly give the salvation finger to atheists and anyone else who doesn't believe in him.  If his parables have made any impact other than completely confusing people and making them misinterpret his every word, then Jesus didn't mean to do it.  He doesn't want to convert unbelievers, he doesn't even like us, but he DOES want to maintain his professional appearance and make it appear that he is trying to.  This is why Jesus invented parables.  To ensure that the terrible people (meaning people who don't have a Jesus fish on their car) don't mingle in heaven with his homies.  Believers will already know what his stories mean, leaving confused atheists and other religions out in the cold. 

Or, er, hot.

Ever wonder why Heaven is a gated community?  Just one more way to keep the riff raff out.

Where is your Muhammed NOW? (Shut the gate Peter)

Does all this not sound at all like the Jesus you knew? 

Don't worry, he'll be back with his zombie army to stab, burn, trample, and generally get all killy with us. 

You can ask him to clarify everything then. 

Monday, July 4, 2011

Atheist Haiku of the Month- Canada Day/Independance Day 241 Edition

God keep our land? No!
It’s CANADIANS who keep
It strong and free, eh?

Nation under god?
That’s news to the Muslims and
And founding fathers

Shout out to Stupid- David Tyree

This months "Shout out" goes out to former New York Giants wide receiver David Tyree on the eve of the ruling on gay marriage in New York. He has entered thrown his hat into the human rights arena without thought to the consequences....

or logic....

or common sense....

But now thanks to the bible, I can look stupid with the best of em!

He released a statement in a short video earlier this month where he stated that legalizing gay marriage will inevitably lead to anarchy for the proud United States.

(They are just cleaning each other up after eating babies)

He hopes that his message will lead other Christians to defend what he and other Christians believe is a holy institution.

There are so many things wrong with his position, but this portion of his statement is what bothers me the most;

"Marriage is one of those things that is the backbone of society, so if you redefine it, it changes the way we educate our children; it changes the perception of what is good, what is right, what is just."

Wait a minute... "redefine it"?

Let's hear what people from the past thought about redefining marriage; 

"These types of marriages are abominable. If allowed they would pollute America."

"Such unions are not only unnatural, but always productive of deplorable results, such as increased effeminate behavior in the population."

"They are productive of evil, and evil only, without any corresponding good in accordance with the God of nature."

What are the sources for these very quotes which are so startlingly similar to Mr Tyree's?

1960's America (Virginia and Georgia law) during the civil rights fight for the right for people to marry people of a different race.

The fight was spearheaded by
Loving vs Virginia in 1967 and it was redefined to accommodate civil rights.

It was redefined earlier in the 19th century when slavery was abolished too.

Anomymous Politician


"Slaves cannot marry without the consent of their masters, and their marriages do not produce any of the civil effects which result from such contract."

I use these two particular examples because they apply directly to Mr Tyree. There are many inane arguments that a person can use (all of them unsubstantiated) to withhold someone's civil rights, but for a black man to state that marriage shouldn't be redefined is outrageous and should lead to an outcry of black people everywhere.

So David is right.  Redefining it DID change the way that we teach our children right from wrong.  It also taught us not to be self righteous pricks who deny others their civil rights merely because we don't like them or are unfamiliar.

Um.. David, I worked hard for these rights, stop getting up in my shit

What makes David Tyree's civil rights and those of his pretty recent ancestors more important than people of today?

Why was it ok to redefine marriage for the sake of HIS minority's equal rights but not for anyone else's?

Whoa!  I AM a civil rights activist, I just don't like gays...

Think before you speak David.

Just because you believe that something is "holy" doesn't give you the right to stomp on the civil rights of others for the sole purpose of shoving your religion down other people's throats.

And even if you DO believe that it is wrong, at least take a stance that doesn't betray all the civil rights hero's who came before you and gave you the very rights that you enjoy today.

Um, can you please not mention David's name with mine?

Think about it.


It wasn't that long ago that this same battle was being fought for you. Before you speak you should make sure that your words aren't spitting in the faces of those people who risked everything so that you could live the life you do.

Our quest for equality for all didn't end with just your interests, and it won't stop with theirs.

On a side note...

“You can't teach something that you don't have. Two men will never be able to show a woman how to be a woman."

Neither can one man teach you how to be a woman. Look out world; he may be coming for single parents too!
IT'S TRUE!  All Dad teaches us is to burp and not follow directions!